If it’s all or nothing then let me go.

Back to the daily grind.

Day Four

JAX Beaches, beach cruisers & sunshine.

Day 1/2

Leaving RVA. 95-S.

So cold in my b

How am I 'posed to keep da peace

(with myself?)

"write a letter to God. Even though God won't read the letter."

"I'm hopeless."

L.I.S.F.I.B

Passing Afternoon (Album) - Iron And Wine

I'm scared I'll die before I ever get to tell you that I loved you.

"We will always want a little bit more"

Conversations with G-d.

Maybe it was the sun, or the wind, or the silence. Something this late afternoon swept across my body, telling me that my higher power put me here on this Earth for bigger things. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be selling clothes to shitty teenagers for a living. I shouldn't be sitting in bars next to people who will wither away in this small filthy city for the rest of their lives. I shouldn't be regressing, looking into the past, still wearing those rose colored glasses. Sometimes, I want to give big "Fuck you!" to this "higher power" anyway. Fine, you tell me I'm not leading the life you want me to? Then throw me a bone, man. You want me to travel the world, find what I'm looking for, help other people? Help me out then! Until you help me, help you, I'm going to crawl under my blanket in my cave [my studio apartment], turn the music up as loud as possible and forget about everything and everyone.

I feel like Mr. Higher Power is sitting somewhere out there in the universe shaking his head at me and grading me on every little mistake I make. I feel like right now I would get an F. A big fat, red F on this learning experience called Life. Hey, mister Higher Power, how are you going to grade my life? You dealt me a shitty first hand! I want a re-do! We don't get those? Well, then I want hints on how to make this game even steven now.

Alright, so here's the plan. I win the lottery. I put in my two weeks tomorrow. Just in case I get bored being a lady of leisure and want to work at some point during the rest of my life. I get my passport. I jet set around the world for a couple of years. Keep in contact with those that matter the most. Find a country, a city , a person I really love, grow some roots. Go back to school, and just have my job be to learn, just learn professionally. People will ask me my occupation, I'll say " Just learning." Find something I'm really passionate about. Find the cure for cancer or something! Have children and then I'll fulfilled my purpose. Will I have not?

I mean you have to tell me, I'm just learning.

And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight youre on my mind so you never know

When Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So Ill wait for you... and Ill burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
Its never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
Its never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
Its never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe Im just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And Im much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage Ive done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well Im waiting for you

Better said by him than me.

Cause everyone else but me can say what they want to.

I ain't no forunate one...

Ever seen this?: http://beforeidieiwantto.org/usa.html

Makes you think, right?

Here's my list:

- Learn how to play more instruments...

- Be published , tell everyone my story...

- Write more, draw more, paint more, create more...

- Do something that makes me proud of myself...

- Change someone's life...

- Travel the world, dip my toes in every ocean, meet the people of the world...

- Be with me best friends more, mostly when I travel, share the learning of new things with them...

- Go back to school...

- Learn sign language...

- Help someone who is helpless...

- Work with children who have addicts for parents...

- Forgive my mother...

- Spend time with my family and create more memories...

- Sit alone somewhere, reflect, have no doubts/regrets...

- Contribute to finding cures for diseases, even if it means just donating money...

- Enjoy more music, live, recorded...

- Take pictures of everything..

- Live somewhere where I don't speak the native language...

- Have a nervous breakdown, things might get clearer after that...

- Meet someone who has impacted my life indirectly...

- Fall in love and have someone love me back, learn to love myself...

- Have my dream wedding, with all my friends and family there, have the perfect first dance...

- Learn how to be a better communicator...

- Meet my father...

- Make amends to all those I've hurt in the process of trying to find myself...

- Watch my children play in my grandparents yard that I grew up in, watch them laugh, watch them grow, feel the first time I can unconditionally love something...

- Have a successful career in a field I find fulfilling , feel validated...

- Send my kids to college...

- Watch more films...

- Finish War & Peace, never forget how reading Tolstoy makes you feel...

- Feel accepted culturally...

- Enjoy the silence...

- Own a house, have property be completely mine...

- Age gracefully with someone...

- Sky dive, Bungee jump, do something that takes guts...

- Say goodbye to something and truly let it go...

- Find happiness in something, someone, somewhere I didn't expect...

I guess I better get started...

What's on your list?

inside my head.

+

iTunes Genius is incredible. Sigur Ros' Saeglópur Always give me the chills.

Made some collages:

One of my old high school friends recently told me that some crazy percentage of Capricorns are sociopaths. Turns out she's right and it's 25%. Crazy Capricorns.

Profile of the Sociopath:

-Superficial Charm

-Manipulative/Cunning

-Grandiose sense of self

-Lack of remorse, guilt or shame

-Shallow emotions

-Incapacity for love

Hmpf.

My rising sign is a leo, what ya'll have to say about that?

My mommy got more kittens. We named them Marlo & Ziggy. We have an odd, never ending obsession with the Wire.

Katie's 21! Spent her birthday with her! Hope it was as fun as it seemed to be!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

If someone were to ask me to show them where I was from it would take me days to give them the actual tour. It would require planes, trains and automobiles. I would have to take them to four places spread over Maryland and California. 1.  Edgewater, MD. 2. West Hollywood, CA.3.Fallston, MD.4. East Baltimore, MD.

I've never gotten to call anyone one place home. My mother's nomadic lifestyle lead us to move around a lot and I never feel like we developed any roots. The places I've lived have all influenced me in someway but have never defined who I am. All my good, positive memories never took place at "home". I remember other people's homes filled with others people's families who made me feel like I was part of something.

Going back to Fallston brought back old memories of feeling displaced. All I ever wanted was to feel like I was part of a family. All I felt during that period in my life was used. I wasn't recognized for anything, only reprimanded for my shortcomings which I was already fully aware of.  I began to feel like everything I ever did was wrong and that I would never amount to anything. But during this time, I learned how to fend for myself. I learned that you couldn't trust anyone and you could only depend on yourself. I plotted and schemed and saved just so I could be out on my own. I learned how to be alone. 

There's was some good times though too:

Two and a half years later, I've built a home for myself and my friends are my family. I am part of something and it's something tangible that I have faith in. Everything I have I have earned and it can't be taken away from me. I have come along way and I can't look back.

Such the little Munchkin.

Both Hands Full

You'll do it the way you thinks the best cause...








On my rooftop. Very good play list. Beatles, the Eames Era, Hey Mercedes, and Turning Point. Even without the music. Kids playing near by, cars passing and the breeze blowing.

Amazing weekend. Life could get better, but that seems to good to be true.

This all seems very, very real.

This is how I feel today. Caged and enraged.

April One

In my life I've never practiced much restraint. Unsure if it comes naturally or not, I hope I can start soon.

Out of the seven things listed below, I've accomplished one.

I have however, byob bowled, been inappropriate at Frijoles, went to see some old friends last night, fell into a time warp, worked everyday...

I was stressed out about it until I read my horoscope in the City Paper today:

I'm definitely not encouraging you to go to YouTube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a piano. you've got more important things to do, and shouldn't waste you time on trivial diversions. So get down to business! Commit your whole being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don't waver from your laser-focus intention! April Fool! The truth is that if you want to succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding perfection. So go watch the hamster. It's at tinyurl.com/agywon.

I watched the video, it is kind of funny.

United Blood, here I come.

Things I need to do before Richmond Friday:

-Wash my dog.

-Go to Petsmart so I can get my dog presents so she doesn't get upset her Mommy will be gone all weekend.

-Clean my apartment.

-Get a disposable camera.

-Pay all bills, to be worry free.

-Tie up loose ends at work.

-Pack.

Seems simple enough.

March

I feel like everyone is going through a rough time right now in one

 way or another. To see most everyone struggle makes me feel a little better about my situation & grateful for my job & feeling secure for the moment. 

Some friends came up & hung around for a little bit last week. On my b

ookshelf I have a book called " 14,000 things to be happy about ". My grandmother gave it to me. Some of the things listed in this book: doing your job like no one else could do it, piggy banks, water beds, fireworks, a solo drive down unexplored lanes, tolerable temperatures, Google, ignorance being bliss, no loose ends, old records, used bikes, toddlers' vocabulary, the first day of sandals, the sunny side of living, what you can learn from the Food network, decorating a bachelorette house exactly as you want...

My friend declared at least half the things in this book  are "not real things" & I could kind of see where he was coming from. But the thought was cute coming from my gra

ndmother. The last one on that preview list is totally true. Decorating my apartment is on going, but right now I feel like I have the ultimate set up. Laurren donated her old TV to me because it has a remote & a DVD player in it. True Luxury. So I set it up across from my bed, and didn't take my TV down that is at the foot of my bed. Right now it looks like I'm a crazy TV lady, but until I figure out proper use for both, it'll do. 

Here are some "real things" I have to be happy about:

Homemade Craft Factories

Dogs, familiar or new, when they cuddle up next to you, when they take on human like qualities

Unexpected visitors & slumber parties

& Something to look forward to.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's already March.

Time goes faster as you get older.

Pros & Cons List:

+ Got Dolce Vita Sandals from Urban which are still full price on the website, on sale at the store. Win.

+I gave Sassy a bath today, and she didn't love it, but she didn't hate it. Now she smells and looks wonderful.

+  Figured out why I haven't gotten my tax returns yet. It's fixable. 

-I have no motivation to clean my apartment, and it's needs to be done today, before I do anything else.

-  I won't be seeing any of my $2200 tax return for another 2-4 weeks. I need that money for a new car before the wheels fall off mine.

"Obsessions are often born out of avoidance. I've known for a very long time that these crucial flashes of fellow feeling take you over when there's something else looming that you are trying not to see."

-Susie Boyt

I really do believe there is a tiny black cloud in Baltimore that follows me around. In the past week I have been put in the middle of friends, my phone's mic broke so no one could hear me talk to them, my car started making funny noises, and I got in a fender bender. 

I was the most mad about the phone. Which I had just gotten. I was lucky enough to get a new one. I still hate technology though.

The woman I got in a fender bender with was really nice about it. I hit her, and it was totally my fault. I hope I don't jinx this but I hope she doesn't use my insurance information that I gave her.

I feel like everyone is coming out of social hibernation, with all these warm days that seem to come around every week or so. 

Today I walked Sassy with Roxy & Spike. Spike almost jumped head first into water that was about ten-fifteen feet below him. It wasn't funny at the time, but is kind of funny now. 

DAB needs a night out soon. I feel like the throne has been passed down to me and it's time to take control. If the above statement is true, no one is safe. DAB Baltimore Chapter lives.

Shout outs to: Kt, Laurren & William for keeping me occupied the last couple of weeks. 

I'm trying really hard to keep on top of everything in my life & I'm doing pretty well, except for this. I feel like I have been doing so much but at the same time nothing ever gets done. 

I got a dog. So far she has locked me out of my apartment, peed on my couch & chewed through two leashes. I feel like she sounds bad, but she really isn't. She is really pretty good, & is still getting adjusted. She is currently sleeping next to me, snoring because she is worn out from so much attention at my grandparent Superbowl party today. Since I'm on the subject, I hate the Steelers forever.

Someone is paying my Comcast bill & then cleaning up the evidence.  I haven't paid it for a long time & a couple days ago I got an email saying my bill was ready. I go back today to pay for it, and the email's not there, & I don't know my username/password without those emails. I still have the internet, so I don't care. But this is a message to my mysterious Comcast bill fairy, if you fail me & my internet gets disconnected, I will find you & kill you. 

I thought I would have more to say considering I haven't updated this in awhile. All I really have to say right now though, is for right now, I'm okay.

I was doing so well with updating this but things have been crazy again recently...

I have Spike for ten or so days, making me measurably more happy. He is currently sitting next to me, snoring, being very cute. He is also making it very hard to type. I have been taking him everywhere with me. He is the best sidekick ever. I think he misses Roxy though. Poor thing has no one to play rough with, he can only snuggle me.

So many NYE resolutions. The most important being that I am going to be more organized. I think a lot of my anxiety is caused by me thinking I have a lot to do but in reality it just seems like a lot because everything is so scattered and unplanned. I bought a planner today, wish me luck.

My birthday was so good! Anna made me a scavenger hunt around Fells Point and all my hints were hidden in various bars. I was done around one am though, and it took me a full day to recover. 

Options for 2009 catch phrases:

Lookin' Fine in 09

No time to Whine in 09

Time to Shine in 09

Any other ideas?