Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tonight I felt a feeling I haven't felt in years. Probably since I was little living in California with my mom. She used to leave me alone for long periods of time and I would get so worried that she was dead somewhere. I just didn't want to be the one to find her. I would sit on the hot pavement steps outside our house. Thinking about not having her there, sober or using, used to make my lip tingle. The lip tingle meant I was about to cry, but I wouldn't. The tingle was from my face tensing up from holding back the tear. My eyes would water and I would just look to the sun so my eyes would shut so tight.

Why did my lip tingle today? Because I'm afraid of losing something. I can't grasp it. Maybe I'm not losing anything. Maybe I am just going crazy. I get so far in so fast but only with some people. I let the sunshine in and look what happened. I feel alone again.