Tuesday, August 31, 2010
A lot of the time I can't fall asleep, thinking about the past, the future and the present. The past still seems tangible, like it's trying to fall asleep in my bed with me. We are both trying to let go of each other so badly. I've wrapped my arms around it so many nights and for some reason it will not love me back. I suppose that's how the past got it's name. Something that what was once there, but is not anymore. You can wish it back into existence, but odds are, if it did come back it wouldn't be the same as it once was. Even dreaming or thinking about it makes it wish harder that you were in that moment. If you could jump back into that memory you could grab a couple more details, a smell, a sight, a sound to make it easier the next time you want to wrap yourself in that warm, gentle blanket of the past. But instead of the warmth I feel from the past, I lie cold in present. The present where I am alone and am doing nothing to change it. The present were I have a routine. Everyday I wake up, go to work, try to motivate myself to be better, to change. What will get me to the point where I am ready to change? More of this awful terrible now that I am living in? When the loneliness is too much to bear? My existence is heavy and it gets harder to carry everyday. So I look to the future. Nothing seems lighter there either. I think about leaving what I know. Leaving what I hate and love at the same time. Living safe has always been the easy way out for me. Safe and easy living may not be the answer for me anymore. Forget the past. Live the present. Look forward to the future. Easier said than done.