Conversations with G-d.

Maybe it was the sun, or the wind, or the silence. Something this late afternoon swept across my body, telling me that my higher power put me here on this Earth for bigger things. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be selling clothes to shitty teenagers for a living. I shouldn't be sitting in bars next to people who will wither away in this small filthy city for the rest of their lives. I shouldn't be regressing, looking into the past, still wearing those rose colored glasses. Sometimes, I want to give big "Fuck you!" to this "higher power" anyway. Fine, you tell me I'm not leading the life you want me to? Then throw me a bone, man. You want me to travel the world, find what I'm looking for, help other people? Help me out then! Until you help me, help you, I'm going to crawl under my blanket in my cave [my studio apartment], turn the music up as loud as possible and forget about everything and everyone.

I feel like Mr. Higher Power is sitting somewhere out there in the universe shaking his head at me and grading me on every little mistake I make. I feel like right now I would get an F. A big fat, red F on this learning experience called Life. Hey, mister Higher Power, how are you going to grade my life? You dealt me a shitty first hand! I want a re-do! We don't get those? Well, then I want hints on how to make this game even steven now.

Alright, so here's the plan. I win the lottery. I put in my two weeks tomorrow. Just in case I get bored being a lady of leisure and want to work at some point during the rest of my life. I get my passport. I jet set around the world for a couple of years. Keep in contact with those that matter the most. Find a country, a city , a person I really love, grow some roots. Go back to school, and just have my job be to learn, just learn professionally. People will ask me my occupation, I'll say " Just learning." Find something I'm really passionate about. Find the cure for cancer or something! Have children and then I'll fulfilled my purpose. Will I have not?

I mean you have to tell me, I'm just learning.