are you sure that this is where you want to be?

A lot of the time I can't fall asleep, thinking about the past, the future and the present. The past still seems tangible, like it's trying to fall asleep in my bed with me. We are both trying to let go of each other so badly. I've wrapped my arms around it so many nights and for some reason it will not love me back. I suppose that's how the past got it's name. Something that what was once there, but is not anymore. You can wish it back into existence, but odds are, if it did come back it wouldn't be the same as it once was. Even dreaming or thinking about it makes it wish harder that you were in that moment. If you could jump back into that memory you could grab a couple more details, a smell, a sight, a sound to make it easier the next time you want to wrap yourself in that warm, gentle blanket of the past. But instead of the warmth I feel from the past, I lie cold in present. The present where I am alone and am doing nothing to change it. The present were I have a routine. Everyday I wake up, go to work, try to motivate myself to be better, to change. What will get me to the point where I am ready to change? More of this awful terrible now that I am living in? When the loneliness is too much to bear? My existence is heavy and it gets harder to carry everyday. So I look to the future. Nothing seems lighter there either. I think about leaving what I know. Leaving what I hate and love at the same time. Living safe has always been the easy way out for me. Safe and easy living may not be the answer for me anymore. Forget the past. Live the present. Look forward to the future. Easier said than done.

I'm am going to sit here & read fashion blogs all day until you pay attention to me again, kind sir.

I'm going to need a really great reason to let anyone in ever again.

Tonight I felt a feeling I haven't felt in years. Probably since I was little living in California with my mom. She used to leave me alone for long periods of time and I would get so worried that she was dead somewhere. I just didn't want to be the one to find her. I would sit on the hot pavement steps outside our house. Thinking about not having her there, sober or using, used to make my lip tingle. The lip tingle meant I was about to cry, but I wouldn't. The tingle was from my face tensing up from holding back the tear. My eyes would water and I would just look to the sun so my eyes would shut so tight.

Why did my lip tingle today? Because I'm afraid of losing something. I can't grasp it. Maybe I'm not losing anything. Maybe I am just going crazy. I get so far in so fast but only with some people. I let the sunshine in and look what happened. I feel alone again.

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia^[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, andsleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is an isolated disorder, or rather a symptom of another condition, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder.^[2]

Why is hoarding so bad? If I like something I just want a lot of it! All the time!