I'm going to need a really great reason to let anyone in ever again.

Tonight I felt a feeling I haven't felt in years. Probably since I was little living in California with my mom. She used to leave me alone for long periods of time and I would get so worried that she was dead somewhere. I just didn't want to be the one to find her. I would sit on the hot pavement steps outside our house. Thinking about not having her there, sober or using, used to make my lip tingle. The lip tingle meant I was about to cry, but I wouldn't. The tingle was from my face tensing up from holding back the tear. My eyes would water and I would just look to the sun so my eyes would shut so tight.

Why did my lip tingle today? Because I'm afraid of losing something. I can't grasp it. Maybe I'm not losing anything. Maybe I am just going crazy. I get so far in so fast but only with some people. I let the sunshine in and look what happened. I feel alone again.

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia^[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, andsleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is an isolated disorder, or rather a symptom of another condition, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder.^[2]

Why is hoarding so bad? If I like something I just want a lot of it! All the time!

If it’s all or nothing then let me go.

Back to the daily grind.

Day Four

JAX Beaches, beach cruisers & sunshine.

Day 1/2

Leaving RVA. 95-S.