are you sure that this is where you want to be?

A lot of the time I can't fall asleep, thinking about the past, the future and the present. The past still seems tangible, like it's trying to fall asleep in my bed with me. We are both trying to let go of each other so badly. I've wrapped my arms around it so many nights and for some reason it will not love me back. I suppose that's how the past got it's name. Something that what was once there, but is not anymore. You can wish it back into existence, but odds are, if it did come back it wouldn't be the same as it once was. Even dreaming or thinking about it makes it wish harder that you were in that moment. If you could jump back into that memory you could grab a couple more details, a smell, a sight, a sound to make it easier the next time you want to wrap yourself in that warm, gentle blanket of the past. But instead of the warmth I feel from the past, I lie cold in present. The present where I am alone and am doing nothing to change it. The present were I have a routine. Everyday I wake up, go to work, try to motivate myself to be better, to change. What will get me to the point where I am ready to change? More of this awful terrible now that I am living in? When the loneliness is too much to bear? My existence is heavy and it gets harder to carry everyday. So I look to the future. Nothing seems lighter there either. I think about leaving what I know. Leaving what I hate and love at the same time. Living safe has always been the easy way out for me. Safe and easy living may not be the answer for me anymore. Forget the past. Live the present. Look forward to the future. Easier said than done.

I'm am going to sit here & read fashion blogs all day until you pay attention to me again, kind sir.

I'm going to need a really great reason to let anyone in ever again.

Tonight I felt a feeling I haven't felt in years. Probably since I was little living in California with my mom. She used to leave me alone for long periods of time and I would get so worried that she was dead somewhere. I just didn't want to be the one to find her. I would sit on the hot pavement steps outside our house. Thinking about not having her there, sober or using, used to make my lip tingle. The lip tingle meant I was about to cry, but I wouldn't. The tingle was from my face tensing up from holding back the tear. My eyes would water and I would just look to the sun so my eyes would shut so tight.

Why did my lip tingle today? Because I'm afraid of losing something. I can't grasp it. Maybe I'm not losing anything. Maybe I am just going crazy. I get so far in so fast but only with some people. I let the sunshine in and look what happened. I feel alone again.

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia^[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, andsleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is an isolated disorder, or rather a symptom of another condition, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder.^[2]

Why is hoarding so bad? If I like something I just want a lot of it! All the time!

If it’s all or nothing then let me go.

Back to the daily grind.

Day Four

JAX Beaches, beach cruisers & sunshine.

Day 1/2

Leaving RVA. 95-S.

So cold in my b

How am I 'posed to keep da peace

(with myself?)

"write a letter to God. Even though God won't read the letter."

"I'm hopeless."

L.I.S.F.I.B

Passing Afternoon (Album) - Iron And Wine

I'm scared I'll die before I ever get to tell you that I loved you.

"We will always want a little bit more"

Conversations with G-d.

Maybe it was the sun, or the wind, or the silence. Something this late afternoon swept across my body, telling me that my higher power put me here on this Earth for bigger things. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be selling clothes to shitty teenagers for a living. I shouldn't be sitting in bars next to people who will wither away in this small filthy city for the rest of their lives. I shouldn't be regressing, looking into the past, still wearing those rose colored glasses. Sometimes, I want to give big "Fuck you!" to this "higher power" anyway. Fine, you tell me I'm not leading the life you want me to? Then throw me a bone, man. You want me to travel the world, find what I'm looking for, help other people? Help me out then! Until you help me, help you, I'm going to crawl under my blanket in my cave [my studio apartment], turn the music up as loud as possible and forget about everything and everyone.

I feel like Mr. Higher Power is sitting somewhere out there in the universe shaking his head at me and grading me on every little mistake I make. I feel like right now I would get an F. A big fat, red F on this learning experience called Life. Hey, mister Higher Power, how are you going to grade my life? You dealt me a shitty first hand! I want a re-do! We don't get those? Well, then I want hints on how to make this game even steven now.

Alright, so here's the plan. I win the lottery. I put in my two weeks tomorrow. Just in case I get bored being a lady of leisure and want to work at some point during the rest of my life. I get my passport. I jet set around the world for a couple of years. Keep in contact with those that matter the most. Find a country, a city , a person I really love, grow some roots. Go back to school, and just have my job be to learn, just learn professionally. People will ask me my occupation, I'll say " Just learning." Find something I'm really passionate about. Find the cure for cancer or something! Have children and then I'll fulfilled my purpose. Will I have not?

I mean you have to tell me, I'm just learning.

And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight youre on my mind so you never know

When Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So Ill wait for you... and Ill burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
Its never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
Its never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
Its never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe Im just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And Im much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage Ive done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well Im waiting for you

Better said by him than me.

Cause everyone else but me can say what they want to.

I ain't no forunate one...

Ever seen this?: http://beforeidieiwantto.org/usa.html

Makes you think, right?

Here's my list:

- Learn how to play more instruments...

- Be published , tell everyone my story...

- Write more, draw more, paint more, create more...

- Do something that makes me proud of myself...

- Change someone's life...

- Travel the world, dip my toes in every ocean, meet the people of the world...

- Be with me best friends more, mostly when I travel, share the learning of new things with them...

- Go back to school...

- Learn sign language...

- Help someone who is helpless...

- Work with children who have addicts for parents...

- Forgive my mother...

- Spend time with my family and create more memories...

- Sit alone somewhere, reflect, have no doubts/regrets...

- Contribute to finding cures for diseases, even if it means just donating money...

- Enjoy more music, live, recorded...

- Take pictures of everything..

- Live somewhere where I don't speak the native language...

- Have a nervous breakdown, things might get clearer after that...

- Meet someone who has impacted my life indirectly...

- Fall in love and have someone love me back, learn to love myself...

- Have my dream wedding, with all my friends and family there, have the perfect first dance...

- Learn how to be a better communicator...

- Meet my father...

- Make amends to all those I've hurt in the process of trying to find myself...

- Watch my children play in my grandparents yard that I grew up in, watch them laugh, watch them grow, feel the first time I can unconditionally love something...

- Have a successful career in a field I find fulfilling , feel validated...

- Send my kids to college...

- Watch more films...

- Finish War & Peace, never forget how reading Tolstoy makes you feel...

- Feel accepted culturally...

- Enjoy the silence...

- Own a house, have property be completely mine...

- Age gracefully with someone...

- Sky dive, Bungee jump, do something that takes guts...

- Say goodbye to something and truly let it go...

- Find happiness in something, someone, somewhere I didn't expect...

I guess I better get started...

What's on your list?

inside my head.

+

iTunes Genius is incredible. Sigur Ros' Saeglópur Always give me the chills.

Made some collages:

One of my old high school friends recently told me that some crazy percentage of Capricorns are sociopaths. Turns out she's right and it's 25%. Crazy Capricorns.

Profile of the Sociopath:

-Superficial Charm

-Manipulative/Cunning

-Grandiose sense of self

-Lack of remorse, guilt or shame

-Shallow emotions

-Incapacity for love

Hmpf.

My rising sign is a leo, what ya'll have to say about that?

My mommy got more kittens. We named them Marlo & Ziggy. We have an odd, never ending obsession with the Wire.

Katie's 21! Spent her birthday with her! Hope it was as fun as it seemed to be!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

If someone were to ask me to show them where I was from it would take me days to give them the actual tour. It would require planes, trains and automobiles. I would have to take them to four places spread over Maryland and California. 1.  Edgewater, MD. 2. West Hollywood, CA.3.Fallston, MD.4. East Baltimore, MD.

I've never gotten to call anyone one place home. My mother's nomadic lifestyle lead us to move around a lot and I never feel like we developed any roots. The places I've lived have all influenced me in someway but have never defined who I am. All my good, positive memories never took place at "home". I remember other people's homes filled with others people's families who made me feel like I was part of something.

Going back to Fallston brought back old memories of feeling displaced. All I ever wanted was to feel like I was part of a family. All I felt during that period in my life was used. I wasn't recognized for anything, only reprimanded for my shortcomings which I was already fully aware of.  I began to feel like everything I ever did was wrong and that I would never amount to anything. But during this time, I learned how to fend for myself. I learned that you couldn't trust anyone and you could only depend on yourself. I plotted and schemed and saved just so I could be out on my own. I learned how to be alone. 

There's was some good times though too:

Two and a half years later, I've built a home for myself and my friends are my family. I am part of something and it's something tangible that I have faith in. Everything I have I have earned and it can't be taken away from me. I have come along way and I can't look back.