Que Shiraz

are you sure that this is where you want to be?

2010-08-31T23:32:00.001-07:00

A lot of the time I can't fall asleep, thinking about the past, the future and the present. The past still seems tangible, like it's trying to fall asleep in my bed with me. We are both trying to let go of each other so badly. I've wrapped my arms around it so many nights and for some reason it will not love me back. I suppose that's how the past got it's name. Something that what was once there, but is not anymore. You can wish it back into existence, but odds are, if it did come back it wouldn't be the same as it once was. Even dreaming or thinking about it makes it wish harder that you were in that moment. If you could jump back into that memory you could grab a couple more details, a smell, a sight, a sound to make it easier the next time you want to wrap yourself in that warm, gentle blanket of the past. But instead of the warmth I feel from the past, I lie cold in present. The present where I am alone and am doing nothing to change it. The present were I have a routine. Everyday I wake up, go to work, try to motivate myself to be better, to change. What will get me to the point where I am ready to change? More of this awful terrible now that I am living in? When the loneliness is too much to bear? My existence is heavy and it gets harder to carry everyday. So I look to the future. Nothing seems lighter there either. I think about leaving what I know. Leaving what I hate and love at the same time. Living safe has always been the easy way out for me. Safe and easy living may not be the answer for me anymore. Forget the past. Live the present. Look forward to the future. Easier said than done.

2010-05-23T22:48:00.003-07:00

I'm am going to sit here & read fashion blogs all day until you pay attention to me again, kind sir.

2010-04-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'm going to need a really great reason to let anyone in ever again.

2010-03-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight I felt a feeling I haven't felt in years. Probably since I was little living in California with my mom. She used to leave me alone for long periods of time and I would get so worried that she was dead somewhere. I just didn't want to be the one to find her. I would sit on the hot pavement steps outside our house. Thinking about not having her there, sober or using, used to make my lip tingle. The lip tingle meant I was about to cry, but I wouldn't. The tingle was from my face tensing up from holding back the tear. My eyes would water and I would just look to the sun so my eyes would shut so tight.

Why did my lip tingle today? Because I'm afraid of losing something. I can't grasp it. Maybe I'm not losing anything. Maybe I am just going crazy. I get so far in so fast but only with some people. I let the sunshine in and look what happened. I feel alone again.

2010-01-31T00:20:00.000-08:00

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia^[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, andsleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is an isolated disorder, or rather a symptom of another condition, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder.^[2]

Why is hoarding so bad? If I like something I just want a lot of it! All the time!

2009-12-15T23:23:00.000-08:00

If it’s all or nothing then let me go.

2009-10-27T23:30:00.001-07:00

Back to the daily grind.

Day Four

2009-10-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

JAX Beaches, beach cruisers & sunshine.

Day 1/2

2009-10-16T07:49:00.001-07:00

Leaving RVA. 95-S.

2009-10-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

So cold in my b

How am I 'posed to keep da peace

(with myself?)

"write a letter to God. Even though God won't read the letter."

2009-09-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

"I'm hopeless."

2009-09-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

L.I.S.F.I.B

2009-09-05T20:09:00.001-07:00

Passing Afternoon (Album) - Iron And Wine

I'm scared I'll die before I ever get to tell you that I loved you.

"We will always want a little bit more"

2009-09-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

Conversations with G-d.

2009-08-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the sun, or the wind, or the silence. Something this late afternoon swept across my body, telling me that my higher power put me here on this Earth for bigger things. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be selling clothes to shitty teenagers for a living. I shouldn't be sitting in bars next to people who will wither away in this small filthy city for the rest of their lives. I shouldn't be regressing, looking into the past, still wearing those rose colored glasses. Sometimes, I want to give big "Fuck you!" to this "higher power" anyway. Fine, you tell me I'm not leading the life you want me to? Then throw me a bone, man. You want me to travel the world, find what I'm looking for, help other people? Help me out then! Until you help me, help you, I'm going to crawl under my blanket in my cave [my studio apartment], turn the music up as loud as possible and forget about everything and everyone.

I feel like Mr. Higher Power is sitting somewhere out there in the universe shaking his head at me and grading me on every little mistake I make. I feel like right now I would get an F. A big fat, red F on this learning experience called Life. Hey, mister Higher Power, how are you going to grade my life? You dealt me a shitty first hand! I want a re-do! We don't get those? Well, then I want hints on how to make this game even steven now.

Alright, so here's the plan. I win the lottery. I put in my two weeks tomorrow. Just in case I get bored being a lady of leisure and want to work at some point during the rest of my life. I get my passport. I jet set around the world for a couple of years. Keep in contact with those that matter the most. Find a country, a city , a person I really love, grow some roots. Go back to school, and just have my job be to learn, just learn professionally. People will ask me my occupation, I'll say " Just learning." Find something I'm really passionate about. Find the cure for cancer or something! Have children and then I'll fulfilled my purpose. Will I have not?

I mean you have to tell me, I'm just learning.

2009-08-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight youre on my mind so you never know

When Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So Ill wait for you... and Ill burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
Its never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
Its never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
Its never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe Im just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And Im much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage Ive done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well Im waiting for you

Better said by him than me.

Cause everyone else but me can say what they want to.

I ain't no forunate one...

2009-07-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Ever seen this?: http://beforeidieiwantto.org/usa.html

Makes you think, right?

Here's my list:

- Learn how to play more instruments...

- Be published , tell everyone my story...

- Write more, draw more, paint more, create more...

- Do something that makes me proud of myself...

- Change someone's life...

- Travel the world, dip my toes in every ocean, meet the people of the world...

- Be with me best friends more, mostly when I travel, share the learning of new things with them...

- Go back to school...

- Learn sign language...

- Help someone who is helpless...

- Work with children who have addicts for parents...

- Forgive my mother...

- Spend time with my family and create more memories...

- Sit alone somewhere, reflect, have no doubts/regrets...

- Contribute to finding cures for diseases, even if it means just donating money...

- Enjoy more music, live, recorded...

- Take pictures of everything..

- Live somewhere where I don't speak the native language...

- Have a nervous breakdown, things might get clearer after that...

- Meet someone who has impacted my life indirectly...

- Fall in love and have someone love me back, learn to love myself...

- Have my dream wedding, with all my friends and family there, have the perfect first dance...

- Learn how to be a better communicator...

- Meet my father...

- Make amends to all those I've hurt in the process of trying to find myself...

- Watch my children play in my grandparents yard that I grew up in, watch them laugh, watch them grow, feel the first time I can unconditionally love something...

- Have a successful career in a field I find fulfilling , feel validated...

- Send my kids to college...

- Watch more films...

- Finish War & Peace, never forget how reading Tolstoy makes you feel...

- Feel accepted culturally...

- Enjoy the silence...

- Own a house, have property be completely mine...

- Age gracefully with someone...

- Sky dive, Bungee jump, do something that takes guts...

- Say goodbye to something and truly let it go...

- Find happiness in something, someone, somewhere I didn't expect...

I guess I better get started...

What's on your list?

inside my head.

2009-06-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

2009-05-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

iTunes Genius is incredible. Sigur Ros' Saeglópur Always give me the chills.

Made some collages:

One of my old high school friends recently told me that some crazy percentage of Capricorns are sociopaths. Turns out she's right and it's 25%. Crazy Capricorns.

Profile of the Sociopath:

-Superficial Charm

-Manipulative/Cunning

-Grandiose sense of self

-Lack of remorse, guilt or shame

-Shallow emotions

-Incapacity for love

Hmpf.

My rising sign is a leo, what ya'll have to say about that?

My mommy got more kittens. We named them Marlo & Ziggy. We have an odd, never ending obsession with the Wire.

Katie's 21! Spent her birthday with her! Hope it was as fun as it seemed to be!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

2009-05-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

If someone were to ask me to show them where I was from it would take me days to give them the actual tour. It would require planes, trains and automobiles. I would have to take them to four places spread over Maryland and California. 1. Edgewater, MD. 2. West Hollywood, CA.3.Fallston, MD.4. East Baltimore, MD.

I've never gotten to call anyone one place home. My mother's nomadic lifestyle lead us to move around a lot and I never feel like we developed any roots. The places I've lived have all influenced me in someway but have never defined who I am. All my good, positive memories never took place at "home". I remember other people's homes filled with others people's families who made me feel like I was part of something.

Going back to Fallston brought back old memories of feeling displaced. All I ever wanted was to feel like I was part of a family. All I felt during that period in my life was used. I wasn't recognized for anything, only reprimanded for my shortcomings which I was already fully aware of. I began to feel like everything I ever did was wrong and that I would never amount to anything. But during this time, I learned how to fend for myself. I learned that you couldn't trust anyone and you could only depend on yourself. I plotted and schemed and saved just so I could be out on my own. I learned how to be alone.

There's was some good times though too:

Two and a half years later, I've built a home for myself and my friends are my family. I am part of something and it's something tangible that I have faith in. Everything I have I have earned and it can't be taken away from me. I have come along way and I can't look back.

2009-05-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

Such the little Munchkin.

Both Hands Full

2009-04-27T13:14:00.001-07:00

You'll do it the way you thinks the best cause...

On my rooftop. Very good play list. Beatles, the Eames Era, Hey Mercedes, and Turning Point. Even without the music. Kids playing near by, cars passing and the breeze blowing.

Amazing weekend. Life could get better, but that seems to good to be true.

This all seems very, very real.

2009-04-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

This is how I feel today. Caged and enraged.

April One

2009-04-19T06:53:00.001-07:00

In my life I've never practiced much restraint. Unsure if it comes naturally or not, I hope I can start soon.

2009-03-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

Out of the seven things listed below, I've accomplished one.

I have however, byob bowled, been inappropriate at Frijoles, went to see some old friends last night, fell into a time warp, worked everyday...

I was stressed out about it until I read my horoscope in the City Paper today:

I'm definitely not encouraging you to go to YouTube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a piano. you've got more important things to do, and shouldn't waste you time on trivial diversions. So get down to business! Commit your whole being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don't waver from your laser-focus intention! April Fool! The truth is that if you want to succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding perfection. So go watch the hamster. It's at tinyurl.com/agywon.

I watched the video, it is kind of funny.

United Blood, here I come.

2009-03-22T18:56:00.000-07:00

Things I need to do before Richmond Friday:

-Wash my dog.

-Go to Petsmart so I can get my dog presents so she doesn't get upset her Mommy will be gone all weekend.

-Clean my apartment.

-Get a disposable camera.

-Pay all bills, to be worry free.

-Tie up loose ends at work.

-Pack.

Seems simple enough.

March

2009-03-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like everyone is going through a rough time right now in one

way or another. To see most everyone struggle makes me feel a little better about my situation & grateful for my job & feeling secure for the moment.

Some friends came up & hung around for a little bit last week. On my b

ookshelf I have a book called " 14,000 things to be happy about ". My grandmother gave it to me. Some of the things listed in this book: doing your job like no one else could do it, piggy banks, water beds, fireworks, a solo drive down unexplored lanes, tolerable temperatures, Google, ignorance being bliss, no loose ends, old records, used bikes, toddlers' vocabulary, the first day of sandals, the sunny side of living, what you can learn from the Food network, decorating a bachelorette house exactly as you want...

My friend declared at least half the things in this book are "not real things" & I could kind of see where he was coming from. But the thought was cute coming from my gra

ndmother. The last one on that preview list is totally true. Decorating my apartment is on going, but right now I feel like I have the ultimate set up. Laurren donated her old TV to me because it has a remote & a DVD player in it. True Luxury. So I set it up across from my bed, and didn't take my TV down that is at the foot of my bed. Right now it looks like I'm a crazy TV lady, but until I figure out proper use for both, it'll do.

Here are some "real things" I have to be happy about:

Homemade Craft Factories

Dogs, familiar or new, when they cuddle up next to you, when they take on human like qualities

Unexpected visitors & slumber parties

& Something to look forward to.

2009-03-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's already March.

Time goes faster as you get older.

Pros & Cons List:

+ Got Dolce Vita Sandals from Urban which are still full price on the website, on sale at the store. Win.

+I gave Sassy a bath today, and she didn't love it, but she didn't hate it. Now she smells and looks wonderful.

+ Figured out why I haven't gotten my tax returns yet. It's fixable.

-I have no motivation to clean my apartment, and it's needs to be done today, before I do anything else.

- I won't be seeing any of my $2200 tax return for another 2-4 weeks. I need that money for a new car before the wheels fall off mine.

2009-02-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

"Obsessions are often born out of avoidance. I've known for a very long time that these crucial flashes of fellow feeling take you over when there's something else looming that you are trying not to see."

-Susie Boyt

2009-02-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

2009-02-19T16:00:00.001-08:00

I really do believe there is a tiny black cloud in Baltimore that follows me around. In the past week I have been put in the middle of friends, my phone's mic broke so no one could hear me talk to them, my car started making funny noises, and I got in a fender bender.

I was the most mad about the phone. Which I had just gotten. I was lucky enough to get a new one. I still hate technology though.

The woman I got in a fender bender with was really nice about it. I hit her, and it was totally my fault. I hope I don't jinx this but I hope she doesn't use my insurance information that I gave her.

I feel like everyone is coming out of social hibernation, with all these warm days that seem to come around every week or so.

Today I walked Sassy with Roxy & Spike. Spike almost jumped head first into water that was about ten-fifteen feet below him. It wasn't funny at the time, but is kind of funny now.

DAB needs a night out soon. I feel like the throne has been passed down to me and it's time to take control. If the above statement is true, no one is safe. DAB Baltimore Chapter lives.

Shout outs to: Kt, Laurren & William for keeping me occupied the last couple of weeks.

2009-02-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

I'm trying really hard to keep on top of everything in my life & I'm doing pretty well, except for this. I feel like I have been doing so much but at the same time nothing ever gets done.

I got a dog. So far she has locked me out of my apartment, peed on my couch & chewed through two leashes. I feel like she sounds bad, but she really isn't. She is really pretty good, & is still getting adjusted. She is currently sleeping next to me, snoring because she is worn out from so much attention at my grandparent Superbowl party today. Since I'm on the subject, I hate the Steelers forever.

Someone is paying my Comcast bill & then cleaning up the evidence. I haven't paid it for a long time & a couple days ago I got an email saying my bill was ready. I go back today to pay for it, and the email's not there, & I don't know my username/password without those emails. I still have the internet, so I don't care. But this is a message to my mysterious Comcast bill fairy, if you fail me & my internet gets disconnected, I will find you & kill you.

I thought I would have more to say considering I haven't updated this in awhile. All I really have to say right now though, is for right now, I'm okay.

2009-01-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

I was doing so well with updating this but things have been crazy again recently...

I have Spike for ten or so days, making me measurably more happy. He is currently sitting next to me, snoring, being very cute. He is also making it very hard to type. I have been taking him everywhere with me. He is the best sidekick ever. I think he misses Roxy though. Poor thing has no one to play rough with, he can only snuggle me.

So many NYE resolutions. The most important being that I am going to be more organized. I think a lot of my anxiety is caused by me thinking I have a lot to do but in reality it just seems like a lot because everything is so scattered and unplanned. I bought a planner today, wish me luck.

My birthday was so good! Anna made me a scavenger hunt around Fells Point and all my hints were hidden in various bars. I was done around one am though, and it took me a full day to recover.

Options for 2009 catch phrases:

Lookin' Fine in 09

No time to Whine in 09

Time to Shine in 09

Any other ideas?

2008-12-16T00:18:00.001-08:00

I think everyone has forgotten that December is National London Appreciation Month. I'm not feeling very appreciated so everyone needs to step their game up. Hanukkah, Christmas and my birthday so soon ! Love having so many different things to celebrate !

I feel like recently there are just not enough hours in the day to get stuff done. Or maybe I am just lazy and procrastinate. My apartment is so messy right now, and I had two consecutive days off and still did not clean it. The internet is such a bad distraction. Sometimes I seriously contemplate flushing my computer down the toilet. I feel like today I had an excuse though, Kt's Work Holiday party was so crazy !

I'm so bad at going to sleep when I need to. My mom told me I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, totally skipping it. First reason being, I hate the dentist, who ever wants to go to the dentist? Who really wants to get up early and drive to East Baltimore to go to a medical center located directly behind Perkins either? Not I. Also I don't have to be at work until two, meaning I will not be getting up until after noon.

I finished the whole series of the Wire. I am now accepting suggestions of another TV show to become obsessed with. Open to suggestions, really open to suggestions of TV shows with cute street muffins like Tristan Wilds on it. So disappointed he is on the new 90210, such a downgrade.

I think I am spending the night in Edgewater tomorrow. I have a lot of laundry. If I go to my grandparents all I have to do is sort my laundry and somehow it gets done. My grandmother is the magical laundry fairy. She also makes me breakfast and packs my lunch. It's like being a kid again. Eternal youth, yes !

I wish I wasn't always so conflicted. When I have too many options I tend to become indifferent to all of them. Not good.

Goodnight Sugarplums.

2008-12-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

My week/weekend was crazy. I know I always say I am tired, but after this week I really am feel exhausted. I've fallen asleep/almost fallen asleep in so many places. I had a streak of bad luck in the beginning of the week. First my car got booted, AGAIN. From three tickets, that I got in July. I had totally forgotten about them. They have these boots now that are "self-removal". So you pay a hundred dollars to remove the boot yourself, & then you will get charged twenty five dollars for each day you don't return it to one of three locations. Plus, you have to pay five hundred dollars if the boot is "damaged". I saw three other cars that were booted on my way to return mine. End of the year, should be expected. My phone is also broken. If I put it down too hard on any surface it restarts. Sometimes, it even restarts just from closing or opening it.

Thursday, My grandparents came down from Egdewater to go to the monument lighting with me & took me to a nice restaurant. They really like making excuses to go to nice restaurants. My grandmother takes pictures of everything. And I mean everything. She took a picture of our waiter too. She also makes it a point to learn everyone's name. She introduces herself with her first & middle name. She is the best, most classy lady in the universe.

My Grandfather on the other hand loves taking self pics. He took pictures of us & gets really excited when he gets "everyone" in. I think he has framed a couple of self pics he has taken. It was really fun hanging out with them. I don't know why I get to anxious when I think about them coming into my own separate living environment. They always make it a really fun, relaxing experience. They had Sofi's Crepes & didn't like them. Don't know what was up with that.

Work has been crazy lately. I don't care what anyone says, recession or not,people are still shopping & trampling people while doing so?

Party Friday. Life[best movie] & baking beforehand.

Co-founders of B-More Hard Ass Cakes. I love Kt. She is the best ever.

Last night, due to lack of funds, I got to hang out with Anna & we created awesome social experiments. They really worked out in both of our favors. Then we got into a snowball fight & she lost.

Life really isn't all that bad.

Love Twins

2008-11-24T10:02:00.001-08:00

Kayne, did you get your fashion inspiration from Brother Mouzone of The Wire? You silly, silly man! You thought no one would catch on.

The Boy in Striped Pyjamas

2008-11-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

I went to the Charles tonight to see The Boy in Striped Pyjamas tonight. The movie was one of the saddest and heart wrenching I've seen in a long time. I bawled from the middle of the movie until about fifteen minutes after it was over. My mom had to sit with me in the theatre and calm me down. I don't want to spoil anything, but if you know how much I love children and you see this movie you'll see why this movie upset me so much. It also just furthered my interest in the Holocaust and it's youth. If you see this movie and don't cry, you officially don't have a heart. It's only playing in Baltimore for another day or so.

2008-11-20T20:10:00.000-08:00

I didn't know that a drop in temperature meant that people go into social hibernation. It really is bumming me out.

Visit with my CEO went okay. My District Manager says I would have batted a 100 had I not missed one detail. He spent two hours in my store & in every other store he only spent about half an hour. He really had time to pick everything apart. An example to let everyone know that I never change no matter who I am around, I did tell the CEO of my company, "I always get what I want."

Last Thursday was Diplo with Laurren. We love Baltimore Club music & Rye Rye so much. I really wish there was a way for her to be my best friend. Pictures from that night are really funny:

Zach & I's relationship can pretty much be summed up in those pictures. Hilarious.

For those of you who don't know, I love seasonal treats. Wegman's currently has the best selection of them:

Vitasoy Chocolate Peppermint Milk, can be served warm or chilled. On the back it says Happy Winter. So freaking cute. Iced Gingerbread Clif bars, get out of town! My mind was blown when I found these things among others. I also get so distracted when I walk past the M&M custom color stand at Wegmans.

So I guess since no one is really hanging out tonight I'll organize my life & watch The Wire.

2008-11-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

From top to bottom, each picture will be explained.

Laurren is awesome. This picture is from a couple weeks ago & it still is the best picture ever. Even though she locks her keys in her car when it is really cold, I am always glad when she is around. I think that she is the only person who puts up with me all the time. Even when I am whiney, which I have been 90 percent of the time lately.

The phone is the condom is Anna's. Anna is the best person to play practical jokes on. She just gets really confused and then laughs so hard she can't speak or breathe. She never gets mad. I feel bad because I get mad at her so easily. But then I also forgive her quickly because she remind me of all the stuff we have been through together. For example, breaking down in Cleveland, Ohio. We still loved each other after being together in a car for sixteen plus hours. We had the best halloween together too. Proof:

Lastly, there is Diamond. She is one of the best dogs ever. All she wants is attention & love. She sits like a human on the couch & it makes me so happy. I am making a list of all the dogs I love in the world. Starting with Roxy, Spike, Radio, Pugslee and Diamond. All the best, cutest pups.

Everyone keeps asking how long I am going to grow my hair. My answer: As long as I want to. But my plan is to grow it long enough to wear it in a braid down my back & take it out at the most awkward time & brush it. Kt thinks this idea is genius.

My upstairs neighbors are so sweet. If I didn't like them so much I would complain about how loud they play their terrible trance/techno/house music. I feel like they are really into Drum & Bass too. It seriously sounds like they play their music & then do African Rain Dances or something. Sometimes, they are SO loud.

I am really stressed with work. It is starting to get so busy & on top of that I am meeting the CEO of my company Wednesday. I've worked for my company for three years & have yet to meet this man. I am going to be leading the visit too because all the store managers are going to be a conference. I love the spotlight, but with this visit I feel like I have no support whatsoever. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

I just want 2009 to be here. 2008 has given me nothing but confusion. In 2009, I expect more: hangouts, baking sessions, practical jokes on Anna & others, road trips, decorating, movie watching, & growth.

2008-10-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

I dog sat two beautiful pugs for a few days last week. They left Friday & it was so sad. They got in my friend Katie's car, & looked at me like "aren't you coming with us?". They were so excited when I would get home & they snuggled with me at night. Radio fell asleep on my chest one day and wouldn't move. But since she is so cute I let her stay there.I think it's funny that when people have dogs it makes you more approachable. Some many people came up to me when I had them to make small talk. They also got a lot of attention from drug dealers. I walked by one and he said " Yo baby, can you walk me like that some day?". Another night, this one man was said " Look at the two sweet peas, I'm sorry, three sweet peas." On Thursday night, around 12, I took both of them out for a walk & went to the park. There was this old man stumbling around, obviously drunk. He went to sit down on a bench, and almost sat in this twenty something guy's lap, and when he realized what he was doing ran away to another bench. When he tried to sit down, he completely missed it, and when he face planted on the ground it made the biggest thump I've ever heard. He didn't get up for a good twenty minutes & the twenty something guy he tried to sit on before even asked him if he needed help. I tried not to laugh. Now that the dogs are not here I feel so lonely. Nothing to come home to.

The older I get the more I wonder what it would be like to see the world through a child's eye again. Nothing seems real anymore & everything has lost it's innocence. I want to dream again without consequence. Every action you take as an adult has a consequence, so how are we supposed to live?

2008-10-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure unless you know me, this shirt won't make sense. But if you do know me, you would know this was made for me & would understand me trying to find excuses to wear it everyday.

2008-10-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

Loneliness is the human condition.

2008-10-08T23:39:00.000-07:00

Picture from Saturday night at my beehive. I really do think that the honey has run dry there, though. I have a terrible habit of drinking coffee at work when I close & then I can't sleep until around two or three, even if I have to open the store. Everyday I have at least one really weird customer, I need to start telling people about these customers or else I'll explode. Today, this mother & daughter come in. You can tell that they have a close relationship, & they are discussing pants with me. The mother is dressed normally, but the daughter has on this Metallica shirt on. The shirt isn't a cool Metallica shirt though, it's one of those Wal-Mart looking, belly showing ," in ten years I'll either be in a Rehab or mental institution " shirts. The daughter talked really slow & exaggerated, I wondered if she is retarded. The mother laughed at everything the daughter said, almost in slow motion, even if what she is saying wasn't remotely funny. The daughter was explaining the whole pants buying extravaganza, that went like this: " I woke up today & it was really cold. I went to put on pants- PANTS! & you know what? I didn't have any...no pants- PANTS!". After this, the mother started laughing. What was funny about this story? I was so lost. I guess I'll never understand certain people.

2008-09-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

I fixed my sink. It was really weird how every male that entered my apartment while it was broken would ask " what's wrong with your sink? let me/ can I/ want me to fix it?". It definitely proved that that male " fix it " complex is true. And fyi, I did fix it all by my lonesome. I haven't fixed my light in the kitchen yet. Now I have this irrational fear that I am going to unscrew it too much and not be paying attention and it will fall on the floor. Then once if falls on the floor, it will obviously be dark so I won't be able to clean it up. Or I'll try to clean it up and I'll cut myself and bleed to death. I know that sounds really severe, but my thought process always leads to the worst case scenario.

I got my first two discs of The Wire. It's really good. But it makes me really mad they can't use the real names of the projects. Even though I am more familiar with the East Side pr

ojects, it would still be more interesting if I knew what they were really trying to imitate. Some actors on the show have really bad fake Baltimore accents, too.

I really need to clean my apartment, do my dishes, be more responsible, etc. I got to push my island back in front of my air conditioning unit yesterday, it was a good moment. Now I am just counting down the days until my land lord decides to turn on the heat, because now it's getting kind of cold in the morning. I pick out my clothes at night and then get dressed in bed. I used to do this when I was in middle school, and

now every time I do it there's a certain nostalgia to the routine.

Work is already talking about holiday. Time flies so fast when all you have is work and bills. I have no concept of time anymore. A week seems like two days, a month seems like a week. Holidays are nice now that I can appreciate what family I have. I only wish I could give them more of my time. I feel so selfish when I think of all the time I spend on myself and with my friends [who are essentially, just extended family] but I feel like no one really perfects that balance. All I can do is exert more effort, and I can't say I've done that yet.

2008-09-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

I left the apartment once today. I went to Rite Aid to get a drink. The cashier was really awkward so that was proof that I should probably never leave the house again. I really like What Not To Wear, I know that sounds weird, but let me just give you some Stacy London quotes. "I've seen plenty of hardware on shoes, mostly on GUCCI shoes, witches, do not wear GUCCI." & " Corduroy is never elegant". The other day I was making pasta and when I turned the wrong burner on it lit all my tea bags on fire. It was really scary. Mitch Clem's Nothing Nice to Say Collection is out. I want it, now I have to find it. Laurren also informed me that Netflix now has The Wire seasons available. I'm joining just for that.

How My Life Works

2008-09-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

The other day my light in the kitchen wouldn't turn on. The lightbulb had been there since I moved in, so I just assumed I needed a new lightbulb. I buy a new lightbulb, return home, replace old lightbulb. Go to turn on the light, it still doesn't work. I let it be. Today my friend got my light to turn on. Now it won't go back off. I can't sleep with the light on. So I just unscrewed the light bulb so I can go to sleep. I'll figure something else out later. Also, my sink in my bathroom is clogged.

I would say this story applies to most of my daily interactions and life in general.

2008-09-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

Going to either of my homelands is going to be more expensive than I thought. My little change jar is overflowing right now, and it's one serious change jar. I'm talking mostly dimes and quarters, not wimpy pennies and nickels. So watch out Budapest and Tokyo, your ambassador in America is coming your way come two th

ousand nine or ten. Maybe I'll find some really native men in either place that have the three c's [ car, crib, and career], that will sweep me off my feet, or I can bring them back with me, that'd be cool too. I'll have to brush up on my Hungarian and Japanese, shouldn't be that hard, it should be embedded in my DNA already. So who is coming with me?